Horses, Oxen, and Arrows... Oh My!

As we open, we find our adventurers getting ready to leave the Great Wall. One by one we see our teams off, and get to hear what the think about themselves/the race/life in general, as they start on their next leg. First, the Models. They rip open their clue and reveal they are on an all-expense paid trip to Outer Mongolia… via a 963 mile voyage by bus and train. Those lucky dogs. The models pontificate about how much rosier everything is now that they’re sober and they are no longer living in the gutter as addicts. Let’s check back in and see if that attitude is still holding at about mile 900 of this upcoming leg, shall we? Next off are Duke and Lauren. Duke generously tells us how he has no problems with gays or lesbians in general… but when it’s his daughter, he views it a little differently. I imagine Duke has no problem with the prison system either… unless a prison is going to be built near his neighborhood. He’s probably pro-nuclear power too, unless he finds out there are plans to build a plant within 100 miles of his house. These things aren’t conditional, Big Daddy. I’m sorry to tell you, if you have a problem with your daughter, you DO have a problem with gays and lesbians. But reacquaint yourself with your daughter and get past it… because that’s just one facet of her. Otherwise you’ll be throwing your baby daughter out with the bathwater. Then we see Peter and Sarah take off. Sarah talks again about the bad luck of blowing out her hydraulic knee. Worthless Peter sits behind her offering nothing. Sarah explains she can still get around, but it’s like riding on a flat tire. Peter would be an auto mechanic in the metaphor, right? Peter, you didn’t bring a spare tire? Fix-a-flat? Nothing??? Well, at least you’re not going to make your girlfriend dance on her broken-down prosthetic leg for spare change. Oh, wait a minute… I may have spoken too soon. Next are the Beauties, and as they trot off we hear how close they’ve become after being randomly paired as roommates during the Miss America pageant. They mention how important it is, in a competitive world like they live in, to find someone that you can count on. Please ladies, we count on you to do something to help us tell you two apart. Different colored scrunchies or something? I’m having a hell of a time. Now it’s Rob and Kimberly, telling us once again how they are at that point where they are deciding whether their relationship should go to the next level. Sweeties… it shouldn’t be this damn hard! Good relationships just progress to the next level, naturally. If you are questioning each other (not to mention constantly snipping and backbiting at each other), you have your answer! Put a fork in it for heaven’s sake, this relationship is done. (But by all means, stick around for a few more rounds because your squabbling is highly entertaining for the rest of us.) Oh yes, and now the cheerleaders… squealing and clapping their way towards their next destination. They tell us how much stronger their relationship is since they constantly motivate and encourage each other. They seem determined to motivate and encourage everyone else they come in contact with as well, with the never-ending cheering, squealing and clapping in the back of the taxi, in the back of the pedicab, in the back of the airplane, in the back of the bus, in the back of the train… Erwin and Godwin take off, and in a very mature statement they tell us that this race is all about building relationships with other people. There was nothing mature or relationship-building about them running around the SeaTac airport with toy water pistols. The airport security force just about built a relationship between this dumb-ass pair of brothers and the airport holding cell. Tom and Terry enthusiastically scamper off while they tell us that although they’ve each traveled quite a bit separately, that this is the first time that they’ve traveled as a couple. They admit that it will be a challenge trying to make decisions together… like which matching outfits they should wear today. Now it is Kar/Lyn, the single mothers, turn to leave. One of them (again ladies, scrunchies please?) tells us that what means the most to her about this race, is that she will be able to show her daughter what she was able to do. Ummm… so far you’ve been able to whine and complain and say a lot of mean stuff about a woman with one leg. Are these the proud moments you are looking forward to sharing when you get home? And finally, Kentucky 1 and Kentucky 2 take off. After the Little Missus snaps at her husband for suggesting that she pick up the pace a little and jog to their next destination, we hear him telling us that his wife is very blunt and to the point… and that’s what he loves about her the most. Just out of curiosity, my good man… what is it that you like about her the least? Is it that she screeches at you and throws cast-iron skillets at your head when you come home and accidentally get coal dust on the protective plastic sofa covers? So the teams all make it to the bus stop. The Models meanly taunt the Cheerleaders when they arrive, because they just missed the last spot available to sign up for the first departing bus. I’m not sure why they’re so mean all the sudden? Are they trying to flirt, like a TAR version of sticking their pigtails in the inkwell? I’m not sure. But knock it off, boys! The first bus takes off, and the members of the second bus bond and joke and laugh as they wait like they’re the best of friends and they’re about to board a bus to Disney World… as opposed to competing against each other for a million dollars and getting ready to board a bus to Outer Mongolia. Kentucky 1 and Kentucky 2 tell us how much they love meeting all of these different people that they otherwise would never have met in their life… like uh, Asians and gay people. “Honest to goodness,” they tell us in hushed tones, “we’ve never been around gay people.” The Missus continues… “But buddy, I like ‘em!” Wow. Kind of sounds like she just tried Buffalo wings for the first time or something, doesn’t it? The first bus gets to the train station, and they find out the train doesn’t take of for a few hours, so the Beauties slink off to see if there are any other alternatives, and tell us that they’ve got to go do this conspicuously. Um, pretty girls? I think you mean inconspicuously. Conspicuously would be similar to the Cheerleaders’ / Tom & Jerry’s squealing and clapping approach to everything. But regardless how they label it, they don’t get very far before the Models are all up in their business, trying to see what the girls are up to. These guys… they really need to work on their flirting techniques. The second bus arrives, so despite the 2-hour head start for some, everyone is grouped together again. While they wait, Peter and Sarah sit outside the station for a while to rest and get some sun. Soon a small crowd has gathered, pointing and chattering away in wonderment about Sarah’s artificial leg. Peter the Useless then tells us that, “It’s good to have a physical disability, because we’re going to use that to our advantage.” And then in the creepiest moment to date, he tells his girlfriend to run around and dance, while he tries to collect spare change from the locals for the show. Not surprisingly, no one actually offers him any money, and instead they look at each other as if to say, “Stupid arrogant American”. On behalf of all of us, thanks so much Peter for improving our reputation in the world. Soon all the teams are headed to their next task on a slow train to Outer Mongolia. Luckily, through the magic of television, we do not have to tag along on what was surely a long and grueling ride…and for those of us at home it is mere moments before they arrive at their next destination. Once there, all teams immediately pour out of the train, and chaos ensues as they all scramble to find cabs to take them to yet another hard-to-find location so that they can impatiently observe some solemn ritual dance before getting their next clue. Cabs scramble every-which-way, and all teams are all simultaneously convinced that they are either at the top of the pack, or at the bottom. Truly, there is so much shuffling, whining, gloating, squealing, and clapping… it is hard to keep up. But suddenly we find the Cheerleaders and Tom & Jerry have successfully arrived at the mystical temple location first. There is much squealing and clapping. Soon they are joined by the squabbling Rob and Kimberly. They must wait until it is time for the next mystical ceremony, and then they are treated to the sight of Papa Smurf and friends dancing and beating drums. Papa Smurf then hands them their next clue, and they discover they must now choose one of many old, broken-down, Russian military jeeps to drive to their next location where they must go horseback riding. Teams are alternately thrilled or terror-stricken when they discover that horses are going to be involved. I, personally, would be terror-stricken once I discovered old broken-down Russian military jeeps were going to be involved. Oddly, my husband would be thrilled. The next group to arrive for the Papa Smurf Show is Sarah and Stupid Peter, Duke and Lauren, the Beauties, and Kentucky 1 and Kentucky 2. There is more Smurf dancing, clue giving, jeep choosing, and horse lamenting. Kentucky 1&2 kidnap a local and make him come with them to show them how to find horse camp, while the rest of the teams decide to go it alone with varying degrees of help from confused locals that try and point them in the right direction. Rob, of the constantly fighting Rob and Kimberly, stupidly decides that he has an internal compass and leaves the paved road on some cross-country trek to who knows where. Kimberly tries to question him, and Rob bites her head off. We wish them well. Kar/Lyn, the water-pistol-shooting Brothers, and the Models finally find Papa Smurf and friends. More dancing, cluing, jeeping, lamenting. And now all of our teams and their jeeps are on their way towards horse camp. There is a confusing parade of various dirt and rain-streaked jeeps, and I can’t quite keep up with everyone’s progress. Nothing of note happens until the Models suffer a flat tire, and are stuck and stranded on the side of the road with a spare tire, but a broken jack. Rob, who has as some point removed his head from his ass and found his way back to the main road, slows to help. He offers his jack, but it is strangely fused to the body of their jeep and he is unable to remove it. Kar/Lyn come by, slow imperceptibly, and screech “Peace out!” at the stranded team before hitting the gas and speeding away. They self-importantly rationalize that they aren’t being mean, they’re just trying to win. This, right after they holler, “Screw them!” towards the general direction of the models… which have ironically found themselves in the gutter once again. It is at this point that I officially don’t like Kar/Lyn and wish bad things upon them. We flash to the Cheerleaders, who have suddenly stalled their vehicle when they were unexpectedly forced to stop on a hill. (I would love to laugh about this, but in the not so recent past when I was a new driver, my friend and I took my father’s stick shift car on a trip to San Francisco… and I stalled that damn car all over that frickin’ city. So girls, I feel your pain.) Stranded Cheerleaders. Stranded Models. The tension is intense. What will happen? Then suddenly, like a blessing from God, a kind local stops to help the Models. He lends them his jack, and then continues on to actually change their tire for them. This man is sweet. The boys should get his name and address and send him a thank you card. They do not. Their mothers are embarrassed. Simultaneously, brunette cheerleader soothes blonde cheerleader with supportive words… and squealing and clapping. Blonde cheerleader takes a big breath… and fantastically, suddenly gets the car to start. Much, MUCH, squealing and clapping. Sarah and Stupid Peter arrive at the horses first. Sarah “switches out” her foot so that she can fit it in the stirrups. I consider how handy it would be if I could switch out certain body parts as needed. Something to think about… but definitely a subject for another blog. The Beauties arrive next. They happily put on their Mongolian costumes before choosing horses. There is too much camera time on one of the Beauties as she straps on her hat. We wonder why. We will find out soon. Kentucky 1 and Kentucky 2 are nearing the horse camp. The loud-mouthed Misses stupidly directs her hen-pecked husband directly into a big pit of mud, and their jeep gets stuck. LM Misses then harangues her husband for being such a fool, and then tells kidnapped local to go get help. Kidnapped local, happy to escape, takes off. I don’t think we ever hear from kidnapped local again. Water pistol brandishing brothers arrive at horse camp. Soon after arrive Duke and Lauren, Tom & Jerry, squabbling Rob and Kimberly, and bitchy Kar/Lyn. They all pass the stranded Kentuckians, and laugh like hell. Not on camera, but we know they do. Then there is lots of activity as various teams put on Mongolian garb and climb on horses. Kimberly frets about being on horseback, and wants to know if horses can smell fear. No, but her ass of a boyfriend can, as proven by him instantly becoming an impatient patronizing asshole. “Come on, it’s just like a car baby… steer him, it’s just like a car.” Kimberly, immediately noticing there is no steering wheel on the horse, clings helplessly to her ride as the not-so-stupid horse heads right towards a low-hanging branch. She is unceremoniously swept to the ground. Rob/Ass suddenly pretends to care, but doesn’t even bother to dismount to see if she’s okay. Instead he stupidly towers over her and yammers, “Oh my God, dude… I don’t know what to do!” Get the hell off your horse, and HELP HER UP, you dumbshit! Rob/Ass’s mother is embarrassed. There is more random horseback riding. Teams saunter, gallop, and trot to their next task. Sarah and Stupid Peter are the first to arrive to discover it is a Detour. This time they must either tear down a big tent and pack it properly on the back of a camel, or lead an ox-driven cart to the river and fill up water jugs. Sarah decides she’d rather do the tent, and they start to work. Stupid Peter starts bitching and complaining. Sarah hunkers down and tries to get things done in spite of him. Soon Stupid Peter discovers tying knots is beyond his ability, and although they are close to done with the task, he insists that they switch to the other one. Sarah goes along with it, and they choose an ox-cart. Their ox gets one look at Sarah’s foot, freaks the hell out, and charges away. They chase him down, bring him back around… and then he sees the foot again and, surprise, charges away. Sarah cries. Stupid Peter bitches. They go back to the tent. In the meantime, the Beauties have led their ox to water, and successfully completed their task. However, they discover they must ride their horses back the way they came, and cannot do so unless they are properly wearing every element of their Mongolian costume. The blonde one (whichever) can’t find her helmet. Ahhhh… now we understand the previous queer editing. The Beauties panic, and go in search of the missing Mongolian helmet. Kentucky 1 and Kentucky 2 received a replacement broken-down jeep, and finally arrive at horse camp. As the Stupid Peter and Sarah drama plays out, along with the mystery of the missing Mongolian mud hat, the other teams begin arriving at the Detour and choosing tasks. Duke “I-love-gays-as-long-as-they’re-not-my-daughter” and Lauren start tearing down a tent. Water-pistol-brandishing-brothers grab an ox cart, as do Tom & Jerry, the Models, and Kentucky 1 and Kentucky 2. Bitchy Kar/Lyn decide to tear down a tent, and Rob/Ass and Kimberly squabble as they choose an ox cart. The Beauties continue to search for their hat, as Duke and Lauren finish their task, get a clue, and make their way to the Hotel Mongolia… first by riding their horses back to their jeeps, and then driving their broken-down jeeps to the hotel. Bitchy Kar/Lyn can’t tie knots either, and decide to grab an ox cart. WPBB (water pistol brandishing brothers) finish their task, but can’t find one of their helmets either. Stupid Peter stops whining enough to finally learn how to tie a knot, and he and Sarah take off next. Rob/Ass and Kimberly scream at each other, as the Models, and Tom & Jerry finish their task and ride off. WPBB find their missing hat, and ride off as well. Rob/Ass and Kimberly keep it together long enough to finish their task. Wait, what the hell? The Cheerleaders finally show up, and start tearing down a tent. No information is given as to what these two have been up to since miraculously getting their car to start back up on that damn hill… and clearly the production staff isn’t talking. Guess we’ll all have to by the DVD at season’s end and look for some missing footage. The Beauties cry over their missing hat, as the Kentuckians finish their task. Finally, one of the Mongolians, who probably ran to the nearest village 5 miles away and stole a hat just to be able to be the hero for the Beauties, gives them what appears to be their missing hat. They hug him and kiss him… and he smiles REALLY big. The Beauties are finally on their way. The Cheerleaders speed fold-n-pack to make up time, and get their clue. Bitchy Kar/Lyn finish shortly after. The Cheerleaders and bitchy Kar/Lyn get back to their jeeps, and neither of them can get their cars to start. Surprisingly, the locals rush over to the perky Cheerleaders and help them get on their way first. Who would have guessed? Bitchy Kar/Lyn seethe. Fortunately for bitchy Kar/Lyn, the Cheerleaders aren’t too bright, and immediately start heading in the wrong direction. Bitchy Kar/Lyn are finally on their way, and unfortunately for us, head in the right direction. Stupid Peter and Sarah arrive at the next location, with The Models right behind. It’s a Roadblock, and they must shoot a flaming arrow into a large fire pit before they can run to the pit stop. Stupid Peter looks stupid on his first try, but then gets the hang of it and makes his mark. They run to the pit stop and are Team Number One, and get a trip to Mexico as an additional reward. Stupid Peter takes all the credit, and then we hear Sarah’s voiceover as she tells us that there are things that she is learning about Stupid Peter that she’s not all that impressed with. She tells us that she’s not making judgments now, but she is making note of things. Sarah, we’re making judgments now, and you need to drop this dork at your next available opportunity. Teams arrive, and flaming arrows continue to fly. The Models finish, then Duke and Lauren, Tom & Jerry, the Beauties, squabbling Rob and Kimberly, and Kentucky 1 and Kentucky 2. Missus Kentucky whines about twisting her ankle on the way to the Pit Stop, but doesn’t limp. Hmmm. WPBB discover arrows are more difficult to brandish than water pistols, but finally hit the target. Bitchy Kar/Lyn arrive, hit the fire pit, and take the last spot on the mat. The Cheerleaders show up at dusk, and shoot flaming arrows everywhere but the target. After setting southern Mongolia on fire, they finally give up… and without a single squeal or clap, trudge up to the Pit Stop and are Philiminated. They cry, and we cry… because we would much rather have their squealing and clapping around next week, as opposed to Kar/Lyn’s bitching. *sigh*