The Zen of Basket Weaving Will Get You Nowhere

It’s that time again. The teams are off on yet another leg of the exciting and unpredictable Amazing Race. Our teams depart Outer Mongolia for… Hanoi, Vietnam! Sarah and Stupid Peter are off first, happy for a lead because of their slower pace due to Sarah’s blown out knee (and Peter’s uselessness). They are followed shortly by Tyler and James, who are doing well and happy about it. Next out of the gate are Duke and Lauren. Duke notices that there are several girls on the streets of Mongolia walking arm and arm. He asks his gay daughter, “Do you think they’re just friends, or what?” Uhhh… is this some pitiful attempt to appear more open and aware of gay culture? Or does he truly think there is such a thing as gaydar, and that his daughter will be able to sense who is in the sisterhood just by glancing at them through the window of a speeding car? I don’t know… just another awkward moment brought to us by Duke. Tom and Jerry are off next. (Yes, I know it’s Terry… but they do remind me a bit of a couple cartoon characters running around with their heads cut off. Plus who of you out there doesn’t think Tom & Jerry when you see Tom & Terry? …Thought so.) Once again they tell us how stressful it is to have to make decisions together. Why does this come up? Do they not spend any time together and decide things back in the states? Do they hire other people to make decisions for them? Whatever… each team must have their unique stress, this is theirs. The Beauties take off without incident. Rob and Kimberly take off next. Immediately we hear Kimberly telling Rob not to run over a dog that is standing at least 500 feet away on the side of the road, and is in no danger of getting hit by any car, let alone the one that Rob is driving. Rob growls back, she whines in response… and then they discover they went the wrong way and are headed exactly opposite of the direction they needed to go. Another great start for these two. Then our friends Kentucky 1 and Kentucky 2 take off. David is driving, and starts to tell us how he began tearing up as soon as he found out that they were heading to Vietnam. His father was in the service, and served in Vietnam. David is just beginning to tell us how difficult it was for his dad to talk about it, when there is suddenly screeching from the backseat, “Everybody is passin’ you!” This little woman starts in on him, ripping him again for whatever isn’t pleasing her at the moment. There is no more story about dad… just a whole bunch of southern squabbling. *sigh* By contrast, Erwin and Godwin leave, and seem unconcerned about where they are in the pack. Erwin (or Godwin, whichever) tells us that he feels as if they’ve already won… simply because of all the wonderful places they’ve been able to visit, and all the experiences that they’ve been able to share as brothers, and the fact that they are being able to do something that most people will never have to opportunity to do. Nicely done, boys! And last to leave are Kar/Lyn. They hump their stuff out to the car, and grumble that although they’d love a million dollars, that this race is not glamorous, a lot of work, and very painful. Hey ladies, take a page out of Er/Godwin’s book. Take a look around you, because you’re smack dab in the middle of an amazing opportunity, and you’ll never see sights like this again in your entire life. So one by one, they all start showing up at the Ghingis Kahn hotel where they have been sent to buy airplane tickets from a travel agency inside. The agency doesn’t open until 9 a.m., so the bunching begins as they await the doors opening. They all agree to form a line, and at 9 they are able to proceed inside to where four travel agents are waiting to help them. Now Tom & Jerry are the forth team in line, but for some goofy reason… when they get inside, instead of going to the last remaining open travel agent, they walk right past her an push deeper into the room. Well, the Beauties, the fifth team in line, see the open spot that Tom & Jerry have passed up, and move on in to start getting their tickets. A hissy fit ensues. Tom and Jerry cannot believe that the Beauties would do such a thing. They’re whining and crying about how they cut in line, how it’s not fair, and how they’ll never win a beauty pageant of kindness. (A what???) The Beauties start squabbling back, telling them that they had their chance, they didn’t do anything wrong, and to calm the hell down. One of the beauties calls one of the gays the wrong name, and he just about has a stroke. This makes me laugh, because the Blondies are the most interchangeable team out there, and THEY can’t tell anyone apart either. This is why simple folk like me just gives them a group name so I don’t have to try and tell them apart anymore. The bitching continues. They are so loud and obnoxious that even the Kentuckies are commenting on the screeching. I just start to giggle, because the irony in this show is priceless. Plus, what is the big deal here anyway. The Beauties didn’t knock these guys down… they didn’t cheat or squeeze them out. Tom & Jerry passed on an open agent and walked on by. That’s their problem. Plus… they’re all on the same plane anyway, so what is the drama? All it did was cause tension between these two teams for no reason… but I’m not complaining because that’s better TV for us! So once again it’s a big group road trip, with everyone arriving together in Hanoi. The teams scramble for cabs. Duke and Lauren think that they’ve done a smart thing by getting to know one of the locals on the plane, and getting her to agree to help them get to their next location. What they don’t realize is that this is the most opportunistic local ever. She agrees to help them, but first makes them wait around for her as she trots off to find her luggage. Lauren starts to freak out because precious time is being wasted. Poor Lauren, what she doesn’t realize is that this is first of many bad turn of events for them. In the meantime, Kar/Lyn grab a minivan cab… and offer to let The Kentuckies share the ride. However, it soon becomes clear that there isn’t enough room for all their luggage (and the extra cameramen) to fit in one taxi, so they end up having to find separate rides. Kar/Lyn feel bad, they think The Kentuckies are sweet people… and being helpful southern folk, Kar/Lyn just wanted to help them out. Waitaminute… weren’t these the two that sped by the Models when they were broken down by the side of the road last week, only slowing down enough to spew venom at them before racing on their way? Aren’t these the two that have been bitching non-stop about one-legged Sarah? Can someone please define Southern hospitality a little bit better for me, because I’m confused. The other teams continue to pour into cabs as Duke and Lauren continue to wait on the friendly, happy-to-help, “I’ll promise anything for a free cab ride” local. Duke finally goes to find her, and discovers her patiently waiting for him to help her with her luggage. Duke is still very proud of himself, thinking he’s made the strategic move of the century by securing a local tour guide… not realizing that there aren’t a whole lot of other tourist destinations in Hanoi other than the prison they’re headed to. Any cabdriver in the city is going to know exactly where to take them, because what the hell else would an American be going to see? But Duke is still certain they’ve done the right thing… right until he realizes his helpful local has instructed the cab driver to first drop her off at her brother’s on the other side of town, and then take the ignorant Americans to see the prison. For the first time, Duke looks at his available cash. The teams were given no money at the start of this leg, and this team is down to eleven dollars. Duke asks the local if that will be enough to pay the cab driver once he’s driven first to the brother’s house, and then to the prison. She laughs heartily, and says no… the fee will be about twice that. Lauren fumes. The other teams, who are taking a more direct route, all get stopped in traffic when they come across a turned over truck in the road. For no reason I can guess, the Beauties who are the first on the scene, hop out of their taxi to get a closer look. Not surprisingly, the rest of the teams stay in their cabs, and when traffic begins moving a moment later… one by one they start passing the Beauties, as the two blondes start bolting back to their waiting taxi. In true Amazing Race form however, none of the drama means a thing… because all the teams arrive at the “Hanoi Hilton” only to discover that it doesn’t open until 8:00 the next morning. Even Duke and Lauren finally arrive, and their taxi driver reluctantly accepts what little money they have without incident. It may have been the fact that there were cameras on him the entire time, but the driver makes no fuss about the fact that the fare isn’t being paid in full… and once again all that drama and buildup, results in a non-issue. Since none of the teams have any money, they all get comfortable and spend the night on the sidewalk outside of the prison. The next morning, all of the teams are given instructions to search the prison for a display of Sen. John McCain’s flight suit. Senator McCain was on of hundreds of American servicemen that was held here, and they must find where his items are displayed to receive their next clue. The teams take off in all different directions, crossing paths frequently as the look for the correct room. At one point the Beauties ask Tom & Jerry if they’ve found anything, and they don’t respond… still miffed at the girls “cutting” in line in front of them at the travel agency. Finally, the teams almost simultaneously stumble on the right room, and crowd towards the person there that is handing out the envelopes. Stupid Peter tries to reach in front of teams again and again, trying to grab the clue out of their hands instead of just waiting the additional 7 seconds for his turn. Finally the clue-master hands a clue to Sarah, ignoring Peter and his butthead ways entirely. Erwin and Godwin are the last to get a clue, and are also the only ones to genuinely take a moment to reflect on where they are and the significance of it all. Then they step outside and open their clue along with the others. The Clue sends the team to Hanoi’s “Old Quarter”, to find a flower shop and their next clue. All the teams grab a taxi, except for Duke and Lauren that are out of money after giving it all away to their driver from the night before. They have to walk the couple miles or so on foot. Tom & Jerry are the first to arrive and discover a Road Block, where one of the team members must choose a bike with a flower basket on the back. They then have to sell enough flowers to the locals to earn 80,000 dong… or about five U.S. dollars. Most teams have more difficulty riding the bikes than selling the flowers, tipping over and spilling flowers left and right. For some insane reason, the locals snap flowers up from Stupid Peter… his tall stature and blonde hair getting their attention. Ladies, if you spent more than five minutes with him, you would be throwing flowers in his face… trust me. Soon all teams have arrived, even penniless Duke and Lauren. Everyone is selling flowers with various levels of success. Stupid Peter and Sarah finish first, thanks to Peter’s international fans. Their clue tells them they must catch a local bus to Vac Village. Stupid Peter authoritatively tells Sarah they need to make sure they get on the right bus. Then, to the utter joy of myself and other TAR fans around the country, they immediately get on the wrong bus. Hooray! Karma is our friend. Soon the crowd swarms around the flower market, and the teams are quickly on their way to getting rid of their flowers and getting their clues. Godwin and Erwin get their clue, find the bus station, and are on their way to Vac. Soon after, Tom & Jerry follow, getting on a separate bus of their own. The rest of the teams start finishing up, and one by one begin wandering aimlessly for the bus station. By this time, Smug Stupid Peter has discovered that they are one the wrong bus, and he and Sarah have jumped off and are left waiting at a bus station for the correct bus to come along. The aimlessly wandering teams start to find each other, even though they can’t find the bus station. Finally, the swarm of remaining teams stumbles across the bus station they have been looking for, and all board a bus for Vac. Erwin and Godwin are the first to arrive in Vac. As they get off the bus, they begin looking around for the location of their next task. Locals on motorbikes offer to give them a ride, but because of safety concerns, the teams are told that they cannot operate or accept rides on these bikes. They get pointed in the right direction however, and start walking on their way. Tom & Jerry’s bus arrives next. They too are offered rides by the locals… and suffering some kind of brain fart, they accept. They crawl on the back of the bikes of two locals, and zoom away. Meanwhile, Sarah and Stupid Peter are finally picked up by the right bus, and are on their way. Erwin and Godwin find the clue box in the middle of a courtyard, and they navigate through a dancing dragon to retrieve their next clue. It’s a detour, and they must choose Fuel or Fowl. In Fuel, they must use wet coal and manual presses to make 30 coal bricks. In Fowl, they must build a birdcage. Erwin and Godwin decide to get dirty, and head towards the coal. The locals are entertained as they learn the ropes of brick making. Tom & Jerry arrive on the back of their illegal motorbikes, and retrieve their clue as well. They also decide to get dirty, and head for the coal task. The rest of the teams, except for Sarah and Stupid Peter, arrive and Vac and walk to the location of the clue box. They all decide on Fuel, and start making their way to location of the task. In the meantime, Erwin and Godwin have finished their task, and head for the pit stop in a rice field. At that moment Sarah and Stupid Peter have finally arrived in Vac. Stupid Peter starts jogging to try and make up time, and immediately comments back to his one-legged girlfriend with the blown-out hydraulic knee, “You’re moving kinda slow.” You know what? F**k you, Stupid Peter. Sarah doesn’t say it, but you know she’s thinking it too. The rest of the teams are once again wandering aimlessly, this time looking for the location of the Fuel task. Duke and Lauren once again stop to ask for help from a local, and only succeed in losing sight of all the other teams. Did they learn nothing from the “helpful” local in the airport? The rest of the wandering teams finally find the Fuel task and set to work. Tom & Jerry complete all their bricks, and tear off towards the pit stop. Duke and Lauren wander so far of course, they actually stumble on the location of the Fowl task… and deciding to take it as a sign, they sit down and start building a birdcage. Sarah and her dumbass thoughtless boyfriend find the clue box, and head off to the Fuel task. The teams already there are slamming out coal brinks like crazy. By this time, Tom & Jerry have found the Pit Stop, and are thrilled to discover they are the second team to arrive. However, Phil raises an eyebrow, and tells them they are very bad boys… and because they illegally accepted rides on the back of the motorbikes, they must step off the mat and suffer a 30-minute penalty before they can check in. Tom & Jerry just about pee their pants, and begin to wail and lament as they shuffle off to time-out to serve out their time. Back at the coalmine, Tyler and James finish their bricks and run to check-in at the Pit Stop. They become team number 2. Tom & Jerry whimper. Soon they are followed by Rob and Kimberly, and then Kandice and Dustin. Tom & Jerry’s whining gets louder and more sorrowful as the other two teams check in. Sarah and Stupid Peter that made up great time while brick making, head off to the Pit Stop as well. In yet another horrifying example of just how big of an ass Peter is, Peter runs out through the rice field to the pit stop, and leaves Sarah to struggle through the soft, wet, terrain on her own. Sarah has to get down on her hands and knees, and actually crawl to make progress through the mud. Stupid Peter doesn’t even turn around to check on her, let alone offer help or support. I hate this guy. Sarah and Stupid Peter check in as team number 5, although Stupid Peter doesn’t deserve it. Kar/Lyn and the Kentuckies finish their coal bricks, and head towards the Pit Stop. Mary starts complaining about her ankle, that she twisted on the way towards the last Pit Stop, and has a hard time negotiating the rice field. Again, Kar/Lyn offer to help and assist them towards the Pit Stop. These two must be trying to make up for their selfish ways in earlier legs. Mary tells them not to worry about it, and tells them to go check in. They do, and become team number 6. Tom & Jerry start to sob. David and Mary finally make it to the Pit Stop, and become team number 7. Tom & Jerry try to console one another. In the meantime… Duke and Lauren are off making a birdcage. Duke seems to enjoy the quiet solitude of the task. Lauren is stressing out like crazy, but trying not to show it. They follow the example, and create a birdcage that meets spec… and get their next clue. They race towards the pit stop. Phil makes a big deal of looking on the horizon for Duke and Lauren, while Tom & Jerry whimper and cry in time out next to him. Finally, their time has passed… and they are allowed to check in. They become team number 8. Duke and Lauren, after getting lost yet again, finally find their way to the Pit Stop. After one wrong turn and bad decision after another… they just were doomed to be the last team to arrive. Solemnly, Phil informs them that they have been eliminated. In their exit interview, Duke tells us that he’s learned so much about his daughter, and are happy for all that participating in the race has given them. They’ve learned a lot from each other, and he has determined that whatever will make her happy, will make him happy. All together now… “Awwwwww!”